Typical Craziness
by TacsGurlJess
Summary: Language and a predicament inappropriate for young children. Jessica is trying to introduce herself and welcome readers to the "Police Academy" universe, with several interruptions. An example of the hilarity of the "Police Academy" crew.
1. Default Chapter

"Police Academy" Randomness  
  
Note: I do not own the "Police Academy" movie series or any of its characters. The movies and characters are copyrighted to the people who created the movies. So don't sue me! Jessica Lassard (later Tackleberry by marriage) is an original creation, by me, integrated with the existing characters, so please don't use her in any of your "Police Academy" fics unless you ask my permission first! Permission to use the character of Jessica will be left up to my own discretion.  
  
JESSICA: Hi, everyone! I'm Jessica, a United States Mounted Police Corps lieutenant and Commandant Lassard's unknown, never-before-seen niece. Of course, now that you've seen me and know who I am, I just wanna welcome you all to-  
  
CAPT. HARRIS: *pushes her aside* Move over, Lassard! Let someone who's a superior speaker-and superior to you, nyahahahahahaha! D-introduce the personnel of this precinct. *smug smile as Jessica stumbles out of the way, then puts on his most "sophisticated" airs, baton securely under his arm* Good day, readers. My name is Captain Thaddeus Harris of the Metropolitan Police Department in Los Angeles City. I would like to cordially welcome you all to the precinct. *blabs on and on when Larvell Jones comes up and whispers to Jessica*  
  
JONES: Watch this. *stands behind Harris and does one of his many sound effect impressions, a ghostly, unearthly voice* Haaaaaarriiiiiiisss.  
  
CAPT. HARRIS: *suddenly stops talking and freezes when he hears the voice* Wh-who's there?  
  
JONES: *continuing in the voice, now adding eerie sounds as he speaks* It is the ghost of Tackleberry. Leave my love alone, or else I'll come after you with guns ablazing. And I never go back on my word.  
  
CAPT. HARRIS: N-no. You can't be serious. Y-you're not there. Ghosts aren't real. *trying to keep his voice from cracking in fear, but then turns around when he hears muffled giggling, finds Jessica and Jones standing behind him and acts like he was not scared in the first place* Ohhh, real funny, Jones. Reeeeeeaaalll funny. *turns back to go on talking when Jones starts the eerie sound effects again, Harris turns around again and the noises stop, this happens a few more times and Harris gets irritated* ¬_¬ Jones, you'd better quit it now before I kick your ass. Got me?!  
  
JONES: O_O *in normal voice, salutes and pretends to be serious* Yes, Captain Harris, sir! *he turns and walks away, but not before he and Jessica wink at each other and give each other a secret low-five, and Jones whispers to her before he goes* Go ahead. Do it now.  
  
JESSICA: *whispers back, grinning and trying to contain her laughter* Got it. *she walks up to Harris from behind as Jones disappears* You know, Captain Harris, I gotta tell you Jones was just being immature. I think you were doing a great job welcoming our readers *indicates the people out there reading* and uh, just keep up the good work. *she keeps her hands behind her back*  
  
CAPT. HARRIS: Why, thank you, Jessica. I never knew you thought so highly of my public speaking skills. *straightens and smiles smugly again, thinking he is winning her over*  
  
JESSICA: Sure. Hey, I mean, there's no one here at this precinct who matches you when it comes to making speeches. Not even my uncle. *as Harris looks away and begins to shine the silver knob of the baton he usually carries around tucked under his arm, Jess grimaces and begins mouthing something behind his back, kicking herself for complimenting Harris, of all people* e_e.You jerk! Of course Uncle Eric's better than him. Harris sucks at everything!  
  
CAPT. HARRIS: *whips his head around and looks at Jessica* Did you say something, Lieutenant?  
  
JESSICA: Oh no, sir! But I'm taking up your time here. Go on, continue your welcome speech. *pats him on the back*  
  
CAPT. HARRIS: Then stand aside, Lieutenant.  
  
JESSICA: Yessir! *steps away from Harris so he can keep talking*  
  
CAPT. HARRIS: *clears his throat and continues as he was* As I was saying, I would like to cordially welcome you to the precinct. Please enjoy reading of our adventures here, and even some of the misadventures the other officers have. Because of that, I will warn you to exercise caution, since things can and do get a little, erm.out of hand. Otherwise, I will leave you to read to your heart's content. Farewell. *smartly turns an about-face and marches off the scene, a sign on his back reading "KICK ME" in big letters, Jessica salutes as he leaves, then starts giggling again and approaches the foreground again*  
  
JESSICA: God, what a sucker. I can't believe he has no idea I planted that sign on him. XD mehehehehehe.But anyhow, here I go again with my little introduction. As I said, I'm Jessica and I just wanna welcome all of you to the Metropolitan Police Department of Los Angeles. Like Harris just told you, we-*gets interrupted again, this time by a gunshot-O_O!-and Jessica turns her head to see Eugene Tackleberry blow across the long barrel of his favorite silver handgun*  
  
TACKLEBERRY: Hey, Jess, don't leave me outta this! I wanna get a chance to see all the readers out there. *strides over and picks her up in a huge hug*  
  
JESSICA: Hey, whatever you want, William Tell. You're the man. ^_^  
  
TACKLEBERRY: Thanks. You're cool with me, my gunner honey. *lets Jess down and he steps up front-and-center* Greetings, you readers out there. Hope you like the stories Jess writes. Always make sure to read and review her fics, okay? But enough formalities now; I'll get down to the nitty gritty, so you better listen up: if you review this or any other story written by my gun-slinging girl here, you'd better not write anything that harasses her or devalues her story. You do that, and you'll be saying hello to my two best friends. *pulls out a pair of bazookas* : Got that, bub?  
  
HIGHTOWER: *steps in* Did someone call me?  
  
TACKLEBERRY: *looks up at the taller officer* No. But you can say hi to the readers while you're here.  
  
HIGHTOWER: *shyly* Uh, hi everyone. It's nice to see you all. Enjoy reading the fanfiction that Lieutenant Lassard writes. Bye now. *quickly walks off with a wave, but then there is a yell from nowhere* 


	2. Typical Craziness, Part 2

"Police Academy" Randomness, Continued  
  
CAPT. HARRIS: *voice from another area out of the reader's view* Ow! What was the meaning of that?! *a couple more pained shouts, then.* OUCH! Proctor, what the hell-?! (Jess and Tac: O_O!...look at each other, then..O; when Proctor kicks Harris)  
  
PROCTOR: Oh, God! Sir, I am so, so sorry! Here, let me help you!  
  
CAPT. HARRIS: *stumbles onto the scene, doubled over from Proctor's kick in his crotch* No, Proctor! Stay away from me, you hear?! Stay-*sees the readers watching and tries to pull himself erect, then struggles to walk to the other side and out of view with Proctor hurrying after him*  
  
PROCTOR: Are you sure you don't need help, sir?  
  
CAPT. HARRIS: You've caused enough trouble! Get out of my sight, you idiot! Move it, move it, MOVE IT!!!! *Proctor runs back the way he came, not wanting to suffer Harris's wrath, while Jessica and Tackleberry are snickering the whole time*  
  
JESSICA: Wow. These two need to seriously grow up, don't they? *hides her smile with a gloved hand*  
  
TACKLEBERRY: *is trying to keep a smile from breaking out onto his face as well* 10-4, Jess. Read you loud and clear.  
  
JESSICA: So, you were saying, Tac?  
  
TACKLEBERRY: Oh, yeah. Thanks for reminding me. *turns back to the people out there* So, remember my orders and you just might live to see another day. Otherwise. *fires a few quick blasts from the bazookas* that might happen to you. *smiles* Have a nice day. *walks off with his weapons, then comes back without his firearms and gives Jess a quick hug* Now get on with what you were gonna say, Jess.  
  
JESSICA: I would, if everyone would quit butting in. No offense to you, though. *Tackleberry heads off to the right again and she comes forward once more* Okay, I think I'll be able to finish now. Where was I.oh, yeah. We do have some thrilling adventures, but there are some pretty hilarious moments when we're on a case and taking down bad guys. Eventually, we good guys win, triumphing over crime and injustice. We are the heroes of the citizens of L.A., and we won't-*her uncle, Eric Lassard, commandant of the Metropolitan Police Department of Greater Los Angeles, steps in*  
  
CMDT. LASSARD: Absolutely correct, my darling niece. The officers of the Metropolitan Police truly are the heroes of the people. They've taken in many a villainous criminal with speed, efficiency, courage, and unfailing sense of duty.  
  
JESSICA: *in aside to the readers* Don't ya just love him? Excellent speaker, he is, and a wonderful man. Generous, just, and upright.yup, that's my Uncle Eric. That's why I love him so much.  
  
CMDT. LASSARD: I've always been so proud of you, Jessica, because you're the only young lady in the family who's become a police officer. Not only that, you're the only one who is with an elite and prestigious force, the United States Mounted Police Corps.  
  
JESSICA: Oh, yeah. Which reminds me, you may not know what the kind of uniform I'm wearing right now looks like. This uniform I'm wearing now is what I wear on patrol: black leather jacket with patches, form-fitting pants with stripes on the sides, shiny black knee-high boots, black leather gloves, and this cool helmet. It's full-face with a mirror-tinted visor, black with silver marks on it. Now, if you wanna see my Class A uniform. *snaps her fingers, spins once, and her dress uniform appears on her, she has her back turned to the readers with legs apart* Black jacket with silver buttons and standup collar, white belt with silver buckle, white gauntlets, white form-fitting pants with black stripes, black knee-high boots with wide silver bands around the top, a horseback police officer helmet, and. *twists her body around so she looks at the readers again, this time a smirk on her face* this awesome-looking cape, black with silver lining.  
  
CMDT. LASSARD: You never cease to amaze me, Jessica.  
  
JESSICA: Thank you, Uncle Eric, sir. I must say, people like the sharpness of our uniforms; it's been said we make the Marines jealous, because they think they have the best uniforms anywhere. So if any of you out there are in the service, you can eat your envious little hearts out. *proud smile, then she walks over to her uncle and whispers something in his ear*  
  
CMDT. LASSARD: : You mean to tell me that Captain Harris has snuck up to my office again and is sitting behind my desk?! Why, I'll fix the weasel! *stalks off to find Harris as Jessica grins from ear to ear*  
  
JESSICA: I love my uncle, but I just gotta finish up my intro to you out there. Besides, it was another opportunity to get Harris in some deep trouble.  
  
CMDT. LASSARD: *voice is heard out of sight* HAAAAAAAAAARRIIIIIIIIIIIIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! : Get out of my office NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!  
  
JESSICA: D mwahahahahahahahaha.If anyone says anything, I don't know a thing about it. *smiles innocently* ^_^ Anyways, I was saying we are the heroes of the citizens of L.A., and we won't rest until all the criminals in the city are locked away. So, in closing I'd just like to say-*gets interrupted once more by a flurry of Metropolitan Police Department officers*  
  
OFFICERS: *as they pass by* Hey, readers! *he bumps into another officer and spills burning-hot coffee on the other, and the clumsy one high-tails it out of there*...Drop and give me 80, you sorry excuses for readers! O.O; I mean, hi there.Hiiiiii! Welcome to the precinct, all you people reading! Nice to see you. Now you have a nice day, okay?...*once the dust settles, Jess stands alone again*  
  
JESSICA: Welcome to my world! *smiles, not knowing what to do, and shrugs as if to say "that's life"* 


End file.
